It's all coming back to me now
by Colonel Sho
Summary: song fic, to Celine Dione's 'all coming back to me'. Sam's thoughts during 2010 when she went to go and talk to Jack at his cabin.


All coming back to me now  
  
Disclaimer: I own nata, zip, zero, zilch.  
Spoilers: Some from season 1 and 4 i think.  
Song: It's all coming back to me now.  
by: Celine Dion.  
Author's notes: Samantha Carter's point of view in the episode 2010, when she goes to visit Jack O'neill at his log cabin.  
  
  
  
*There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed  
If I just listened to it  
Right outside the window*  
  
This is going to be harder than i thought, he looks better than i remember, that beard, hum never thought about it before but it does make him looks sexier. All those nights i spent alone dreaming, keeping myself awake, just thinking about his face, knowing that i could never have him, but now all of that seems pointless, i have Joe now.  
  
  
*There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust  
And I just knew my eyes were  
Drying up forever*  
  
Then there were those times when i would cry myself to sleep after he had said or done something to upset me, usually about Joe or the alliegence with the Ashen. He haden't agreed with that from the beginning. He used to get on well with Joe that was until we anounced our engagement, that was when i lost all most all contact with him. That had upset me more than he could know, then i realised that i was not going to waste my time regreting what could have been with Jack, he would be the one who lost out.   
  
  
*I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made*  
  
So after the night of our engagement i desided that i wouldn't let him hurt me again, i blocked out everything that reminded me of him, i tried not to think about him. Looking back on the choices i made reguarding Jack they were bad ones, i didn't want to forget about him, forget about the times he and i had spent laughing and joking with each other, the times he had held me close telling me that it was going to be alright. I had wanted to believe him, even now his words ran through my head, reminding me that things will be better, some day, well maybe for the other us back in the year 2000, that is if i can convince him to help us.  
  
  
*But when you touch me like this  
And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit  
That it's all coming back to me*  
  
I was looking at him, not really thinking about what i was going to say, but about the good times we had had together, he always had this way of making me feel things that i never thought i could, if we were in trouble he would always get this look in his eye that told me that he would take care of me well all of us, me, Daniel and Teal'c. He had that look in his eye right now.  
  
*When I touch you like this  
And I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but  
It's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)*  
  
What is he trying to say to me? I think my coming to see him out of the blue had been quite a shock to him. I think he had thought he would never see me again and my being here had told that little part of him that maybe still hoped there was a chance for us, me and him together. I had to admit the thought had crossed my mind as i saw him for the first time again. Why was this so hard? Seeing him like this again? All the thoughts i should have never forgotten were all coming back to me, all at once.  
  
  
*There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right*  
  
We had good times, and there had been times when it had all been so clear, then there were those times that i tried to forget, how i had forgotten that he wasn't mine and had gotten jealous when another woman had found him attractive, i should have taken those looks other women gave him as a compliement, after all i could be with him all of the time, none of these thoughts had crossed my mind back then, it didn't feel like i was doing anything wrong, other than kidding myself in thinking he was mine and only mine.  
  
*There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby*  
  
Those days we had spent together in Alaska, had made me see him in a totally different light, up until then i had always thought that he was this hardened military guy, but no, far, far from it, during this time together i notised that he was as scarred as i was about death, he knew that there was a very good chance that we would die there, but he had tried to hide it from me, i have to say that he had made me feel better, god i had been hard on him back then i knew we wouldn't make it, but out fo some miracal we had and i had Jack to thank for that, if it haden't been for him i think i would have given up a long time before i actually had.  
.  
  
*If I kiss you like this  
And if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
If you want me like this  
And if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist  
And it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now  
But it's all coming back*  
  
I smile as all my forgoten memories come flooding back to me, Jack offered me a seat, i sit down, taking a good look at him before i tell him the bad news. Maybe he was right, maybe i had made the wrong mistake of marrying Joe. He kind'a looked anoyed with me, i didn't act like i had forgotten why he was mad i just thought that the life on our planet was worth saving more than me and Jack fighting over who i should have married, i didn't want our reunion to be like that, although this wasn't what i had hopped for either.  
  
*There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me  
I just hurt you even worse  
And so much deeper*  
  
Why haden't he at least hugged me for old times sake, i got hugs from Teal'c so why should he be any different, well i guess thats because i haden't yelled at Teal'c and told him to grow up and move on with his life. Ok that was a mistake i knew how much Jack had been hurt by my words that night, he had the same hurt expression on his face when he asked how Joe was. He was so cold towards me, i guess i couldn't blame him though.  
  
  
*There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances  
That were lost to us forever*  
  
I smile inwardly as i remember the time when the SGC jad been stuck in a time loop, our own little ground hog day as Jack had called it. The morning after all had been resolved at last, he had took me aside and told me what he had gotten up to whilest 'looping' as he put it, of course at the time he haden't said anything about resigning and kissing me infront of General Hammond, that had all come out at Janets house when Cassie insisted that we all played a game of spin the bottle. Jack had taken a truth after having 3 dares in a row, and Daniel asked him what he really got up to during the so called 'looping', Jack had well we all had had a bit to drink so he quite openly told us. Afterwards after we had all had a chance to sober up a little he had followed me into the kitchen, a serious yet playful expression on his face, he cornered me up against one of the kitchen cabinates, his arms resting either side on mine, then he kissed me, just like that he had kissed me. Of course the next day he advoided looking at me, until he couldn't see me get hurt anymore then he apologised...lots, i forgave him eventually, i knew it had been the alcohol talking or rather kissing but that didn't mean i couldn't make him beg. Janet had laughed so much at that story.  
  
*But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then*  
  
Then i got a bad memory, it was the night of my engagement party, when he had stormed out after i told him to 'grow up'. I didn't do it infront of everybody that would have been unforgivable, he had taken me aside to tell me how he really felt, it was heart breaking to watch and i was so hard on him, he had opened his heart to me at last and all i had done was yell abuse at him, telling him it was the wrong time and that he had had his chance. Jack didn't say anything back to me he just walked off out into the parking lot, i would have followed him but he had made me so angry, telling me how much he loved me on the night of my engagement party of all times.  
  
*But if I touch you like this  
And if you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago  
But it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this  
And if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind  
But it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)*  
  
Then there had been that time when we had our memories altered, i had become Fhara, and he was Jhona, that was great we had been our selves with each other, told each other our most inner feelings.   
  
*There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby*  
  
That was a long time ago, i couldn't hope for something like that with anyone else, for me that was Jack, that was the closest to his heart i have ever been, and it was the best feeling in the world, that was until we realised that this was all a dream world, something we both wanted so badly but something we could never have again. So OK maybe that was a bad memory, but the build up was good.  
  
*When you touch me like this  
And when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind  
But it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that  
Then we see what we want to see  
All coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies  
All coming back to me  
I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now*  
  
This whole talk wasn't going well at all, Jack was acting like he didn't care saying that the biggest thing on his mind right now was that he was thinking about getting a dog. That was just like him, masking his true feelings with a joke or a hurtful comment. He was being really cold towards me, as i said i couldn't blame him.  
  
*If you forgive me all this  
If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget  
And it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see  
All coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies  
All coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now*  
  
I wanted him to forgivve me more than anything, but the possiblity of that happening was very remote, he had always been stuborn when his feeling were at stake. I'd forgiven him long ago, i just haden't realsied it, i didn't want him to go on hatting me like this, but i couldn't give him what he wanted back then, and god only knows i can't know.  
  
*(It's all coming back to me now)  
And when you kiss me like this*  
I ask him once more. He still says no.  
  
*(It's all coming back to me now)  
And when I touch you like that*  
  
I look at him once more, i always could do this it was like we could read what was going through each others minds just by looking into each others eyes,   
  
*(It's all coming back to me now)  
If you do it like this*  
But no not this time, his eyes were hard, he was blocking me out, i try desperatly to make him understand.  
  
*(It's all coming back to me now)  
And if we...*  
  
It didn't work, my time here had been a complete waste of time, he still haden't grown up. Now it was time to go abck to Daniel and give him the bad new. This was my fault, we need him, he was our leader, someone we could always depend on and trust, but no not this time, the Jack O'Neill i had known and loved was gone, hardened over the years by something i had said. 


End file.
